


killing cheese

by villhag



Category: Killing Eve (TV 2018)
Genre: F/F, enjoy, this is extremely dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-25 03:35:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30082869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/villhag/pseuds/villhag
Summary: Eve and Villanelle react to their favorite show, Killing Cheese, being cancelled after 4 seasons.
Relationships: Eve Polastri/Villanelle | Oksana Astankova
Comments: 22
Kudos: 102





	killing cheese

“Fucking fantastic. They’re _definitely_ going to kill Cheese off now.”

“Don’t be naive, Eve,” Villanelle rolls her eyes and sidles up to Eve on the sofa, patting her patronizingly on the arm, “they would never kill Cheese. The show is _literally_ called Killing Cheese. It would be way too obvious.”

“Which is exactly why they’d do it,” Eve shakes her head, “it’s right there. They’d be stupid not to follow through with it.”

Villanelle groans, “that is not how screenwriting works.”

Eve scoots back from Villanelle to level a glare at her.

“Since when do you know anything about screenwriting?”

“I took a masterclass.”

“Um, what? When?” Eve demands, incredulous, “when could you have possibly have had the time to take a screenwriting masterclass? You’re a professional assassin.”

“It’s a profession with a lot of commute time, Eve,” Villanelle frowns, “I fit the lectures in on the train rides. It is very easy, you know, the iPhones have this feature now where you can download the videos. You don’t even need wifi ―”

“Yes, yes, I know, I just,” Eve looks at her, sighs, “that would explain the subscription on my credit card.”

“Oh, that is not Masterclass. I borrow Konstantin’s login for that,” Villanelle explains, only furthering Eve’s confusion ― they haven’t spoken to Konstantin in, well, _a year_ , and their last interaction was effectively a shouting match ― “that fee is probably from Hulu. It’s how we catch up on Killing Cheese, yes?”

Eve pauses. Resigns herself to the fact that this woman will never stop surprising her.

“Yes,” she says, with a slow shake of her head, “so if you’re such an expert now, how do you think the show will end? If you’re so certain they won’t kill Cheese.”

Villanelle grins proudly, happy to have convinced Eve of her screenwriting credentials, “thank you for asking. I am certain I know how it will end, you see ― Cheese and Baconelle will have _very_ passionate sex, there will be a very cool gunfight, and then Cheese will shoot Baconelle in the chest. Boom!”

Eve laughs, “fuck no. There’s no way. The fans would literally set fire to a small forest if Baconelle bit the bullet.”

“Yes, well, same with Cheese, Eve,” Villanelle rolls her eyes, “and yet which one of us took the masterclass?”

Eve glares again, unamused. She’s definitely going to find a way to tell Konstantin he has a password leech. 

“I hope they both die,” Eve shrugs.

“Eve!” Villanelle gasps, “you’re terrible. They can’t die _now_. It took them so many seasons to get here.” Villanelle frowns, suddenly wistful, “they have so many crimes left to commit together.”

“You’re right,” Eve smiles politely, taking Villanelle’s hand in a show of sympathy, “I hope they don’t die. I hope they get arrested.”

Villanelle glares.

“You’re so mean. They did nothing wrong.”

“They did _everything_ wrong, V,” Eve squeezes her hand, laughs, “what, do you expect a bunch of fairytales and rainbows for a couple of murderous psychopaths?”

“Um, yes,” Villanelle rolls her eyes, letting go of Eve’s hand to lay her head in Eve’s lap instead; she looks directly up at her, a directness to her gaze, “I mean, that’s literally us.”

Eve pauses, blinks. Replays the last three seasons in her head ― Cheese and Baconelle chasing each other, dodging bullets, trading stab wounds and love confessions. Parting ways in an emotional goodbye atop the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

“I don’t see it.”

Villanelle smirks up at her, tucks a stray curl behind Eve’s ear.

“Yeah, you’re right, we’re way hotter.”

**Author's Note:**

> you can ask me to formally apologize for writing this @villhag on twitter


End file.
